Coop has his first read-through today. The Kids From 62-F. Cooper and Edie each average about four auditions a week. Coop had an audition for a CBS pilot. Kristin noted how wild it was to see a few familiar faces from recently-cancelled shows. Back at it.
During Coops audition, he made them the casting directors laugh their butts off. I guess they asked Coop if he’s attached to his hair. “Um yes. I am. I mean, its not a weave or anything.” Laughter erupts. “No, Cooper, we wanted to know if you would cut your hair for a part.”
“Oooh, I’m sure something could be arranged, but I need to check with my manager.” He’s well-trained.
Kristin goes on to say that he rocked the audition. Two hours later we hear that he’s invited back to read again for producers. This is very good. He read again and told them that if he gets a part, they can do whatever he wants to his hair. But as these things go, when you find out that your kid doesn’t get the part, they say that they “aren’t moving forward”. Kristin gets so bummed.
But at least she doesn’t have to be my “handler” at the airport.
Severe anxiety grips me when I pass thru the doors to an airport. I’m not afraid of flying, I’m afraid of performing poorly when passing the through Transportation Safety Association’s security check. Blown pass-thru’s stay with me until my bags hit the floor at my destination. There’s been several.
As I mentioned in my last blog, it was just Coop and I this trip. The girls are out there. Our official chauffeur, Larry, “Papa Zeke” Burgess is a lovely man, and he’s very careful. That’s a nice way to say that he drives slow. When he gets into the car at the beginning of journey, he activates what I call the Larry Burgess 30-point pre-ignition check list. This is the dialogue is envision going on in his head:
1) Seatbelt clicked.
2) Sunglasses out of sunglass clip.
3) Side mirror.
4) Side mirror.
5) Rearview mirror. Adjust. Then adjust back to original position.
6) Is this the right key? Yep… jingle jangle
7) Does the seatbelt feel like its losing tension? Tug. Tug. Unbuckle. re-tug. Clik.
8) Volume knob down? Check.
9) Wipers off? Check
10) Is that spot on the outside of the windshield? Yep. Nope wait… Yep..
11) Check the seatbelt again for tension.
12) Deep breath.
13) Did I put that cassette in the cassette storage rack upside down or was someone messing around with my-
CAN. WE PLEASE. GOOOOO. I’m screaming this in my mind. My head is turned his way with a patient, plastic smile on my face. I will not say anything. I have put this man through so much. I nearly broke him when he helped us remodel our first house.
I’m the opposite of this. You will often see my children, before school, hopping on one foot as they negotiate how they will jump in the car when i’m backing out. They have gotten to the point that they dont even yell at me anymore.
After Larry safely deposits Cooper and I at CLE, we say our goodbyes and we venture into the terminal. I turn to hear Larry get yelled at by an airport cop because he’s taking too long to leave. I see him replacing the bulb in his dome light.
We have bags to check and I want to do it inside because I have the Portable Podium, Coop has a big bag of clothes plus, we don’t have our boarding passes. Ive tried the United phone app, but something stupid always happens to my phone the second its time for me to board, so please don’t lecture.
We approach the United counter.
Immediate tension.
Some dumb lady carelessly leaves her purse on the ground as she squints at the United check-in screen. Then some clod of a man hooks the purses loop with his big bozo the clown foot and starts shuffling away. I’m frozen in place. I’m so stunned that I forget to say, “Hey.” This idiot is unaware that he is doing this because of severe foot paralysis or he’s a really crappy purse snatcher. We turn from the lady freaking about her purse to face the music about Coopers bag. The baggage lady tells Coop that his bag is 3 lbs. overweight.
Tension escalates. I’m holding-up the line. As I load my goofy podium up on the scale, he’s opening his big suitcase and just pulling out schoolbook after schoolbook. In my most patient and loving tone, I say, “slow down with the offload homie”. Oh no! I’ve addressed him in front of other adults! His eyes meet mine as if I told him he has a face like a shovel. As he zips up his suitcase, I keep telling myself that I’m not hearing audible, impatient sighs behind us. Because he grabbed his Spanish cuaderno upside-down, papers spill out. Minor setback. He’s a little freaked and I bend down to help.
“Put those books in your carry-on”
“No, i’ll carry ’em. C’mon lets go”
“Dude put them in your bag. Plus, I still need our passes and you need to weigh your bag again”
“No i’ll carry them.”
Through clenched teeth, I whisper,
“Put the goddam books in your bag.”
Then, out loud, for all to hear, he makes his exit, stating,
“Well it looks like you have things under control here, father.” He winks at me as he shows me his United iPhone boarding pass app. The bar code front and center.
Kettle whistling.
The look on my face: “Ypure leaving me?”
The look on his face: “See ya, fat man”
With that he leaves me, book bag on his shoulder and carrying 3 heavy textbooks.
Both bags checked and boarding passes in hand, I leave the hostile baggage check area just :30 behind Coop.
The TSA showers my kids with love. They always get to take the short, “Pre-check” line. If Coop or Edie had were rotten to the core, all they would have to do is find a way to sit n the cockpit. Their chippy bickering banter would force the pilot to take us right into the side of a mountain.
Coops long gone. It depends on the person, but ive found that TSA usually doesn’t let the parents go with their prechecked teen. I mull this over as I trudge up to the security gate where beyond, roped-off cattle mindlessly await their slaughter. I watch these grown american taxpayers humiliatingly inch ahead through dignity-stomping switchbacks as pre-checked children jeer at them from an area set-up by the TSA specifically for jeering.
I flash my boarding pass to the greeter, but instead of going right, I go left! Somehow I’ve been gifted the precheck line! How this happen? I’m thrilled! My hands numbingly touch my face and I look slightly left and right like a freshly-crowned beauty queen. My reverie is short-lived. I realize that I have both of our boarding passes and Cooper’s boarding pass was on top. My windfall quickly plummets into devastation. I’ve duped the greeter! I’ve scammed precheck! I fumble for my pass, and of course, no precheck. Think, mofo. Think, man. I ready myself for a strip search. After 8 or 9 bad ideas, my decision to confess.
My entire explanation quickly tumbles out of my 7am coffee’d-up mouth, and I realize that I’ve said it too fast. I think the TSA lady was able to pluck out a few words like “son”, “pre-check”, “mistake” and “cavity”. Impatiently and exasperatingly, she steps out from behind her security podium, grabs the velvet rope of success, un-clicks it and grants me safe passage to the, get this, front of the cattle line!
Yay stupidity!
Exalted, I check thru my prescribed security check. The gal working the cattle one is not interested in my story. I work my way thru the stupid conveyor belt of humiliation and start stripping down to my underwear.
I didn’t, but that what I feel like.
At least it wasn’t after a snowstorm where you get yer socks soaking wet by standing in other peoples slushy shrapnel. The guy ahead of me is mid fifties and sporting the Just For Men look. Dude is just barking at his wife but he’s just as confused as everyone else. He doesn’t know the protocol.
NOBODY DOES. This is nerve-wracking.
I want to look like a TSA BOSS when I pass through. But I get it wrong every time. Friday, 3/20, leaving Los Angeles in my TSA bluster, I lost one of my favorite hats, and tried to walk thru the underwear-snooper with my gay bluetooth. Success eludes me here. Kristin just laughs at me when I get flustered. Here’s my most legendary tale:
My lost legendary TSA snafu happened when Kristin and I were coming back from Las Vegas with Lori & Dart Printy. I had the elusive precheck status, but this important detail got past me.
I started stripping down at the conveyor belt, brimming with pride that I was ready and there was no hold-up to my fellow, inexperienced and slow-witted passengers. Wide-eyed and unbelieving, the young TSA dude manning the conveyor belt erupted.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I casually look around with that smug Ted Baxter from Mary Tyler Moore vibe and give a “Ok, who’s the asshole” look. Chuckling, I shake my head and continue, quipping, “Hey young fella, where are you hiding the little dishes for your valuables?
WE DONT DO THAT, THIS IS PRE CHECK!
“I know”, laughing and looking around…clearly, he’s not talking to me. He’s talking to me.
STOP TAKING OFF YOUR BELT! WHAT DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND ABOUT PRECHECK?
My shoes are off, my laptop is out, my belt is hanging by one loop. My stupid wallet is bouncing down the rollers somehow like a bobber in a stream. My nervous histrionics have created an idiot avalanche.
The folks behind me have started disrobing in kind.
NO NO NO! EVERYONE! STOP IT! DO NOT DO WHAT HE’S DOING!
To me, imploringly, “Sir, stop. Please put your belt and shoes on.” I am soaked with nervous sweat. The kind that is instantaneous. Panic is making my ears ring. I put all my shit back on without making eye contact with anyone. I can hear people huff huff huffing past me. I try to jokingly explain myself to the TSA dude who currently is burning me with his heat vision.
“I saw the conveyor belt, and I guess I just went a little crazy. Usually theres a si…” The rest of the word, “sign”, dies in my throat. Looking at the conveyor belt, it dawns on me that its there to check laptops and bags.
That’s all. I knew this because of the big sign on top of it. The one I missed.
TSA dude is sweaty too. He gives me a puzzled and incredulous, “…Damn…” and shakes his head.
Dart and Kristin were laughing so hard that I couldn’t tell whether they were coughing or crying. Their faces were bright red. Lori was already at a restaurant. She’s got a lot of juice at the airport. She’s on a different level.
Back to Cleveland.
Mr. Just For Men is front of me. I do not judge. I have been there. He’s lashing-out. He’s nervous. J4M turns around and gives me the once over. You know, the top to bottom appraisal, where, because of some self perceived higher ranking, ends in a almost imperceptible flicker of disgust.
What a Dick. I hope he burns in that shoeless gauntlet.
He’s doing what I usually do, and thats act like a dick to everyone. His wife is getting flustered and my family has learned to berate me. He admonishes his wife to no end.
Here’s where things get dicey. As a veteran, I grab 2 bus pans. Thats what those things look like, BTW. I always half-expect to see corn, soggy bread and milk swishing around in the bottom. One for my laptop and the other for my belt, and shoes. J4M realizes that he’s short one bus pan, but instead of walking back, he just grabs mine as I start to put my laptop in it. He jerks it toward him. The mounting tension of this moment coupled with the coiled nature of my ninja-like awareness and hostility toward him makes my fingers grip the pan. He tugged again, not looking back. I was ready this time and I let go ½ his tug. It leapt out of my hand and it banged into his other pan. I stared at him stoically as embarrassment rolled across his face. As much I wanted to enjoy the fruits of my rebellion, the greater reward occurred when, as I turned to retrieve another bus pan, I was greeted with another bus pan from the weary travelers to my rear. They had solidified on my behalf. This would have been a great place for the slow clap.
When I came home today, I was the 4th person on the plane because I mistakenly stood in boarding group 1. The longer I waited, the more screwed I was. When my number was called, I slapped it down on the scanner and entered. Like a boss. I saunter all the way back to my seat. Back there, the stewardess says, “Why are you in an early boarding group but you’re in seat 37? Nonchalantly, I say,
“I like the back”.
If you are new to this blog, please follow me and read the old one’s! What a farty journey!